It's been a little while since I've posted, so I thought I'd talk a bit about luck and control issues. I have a fair helping of both.
Since I finished my dissertation last spring, I've been chomping at the bit to graduate and get on with the business of "my future." Being who I am, I've had a clear picture of "my future" since I was about 15. That picture included a good teaching job with benefits, a house, a husband, a dog, and (as of 2005) some kind of singing career. I knew it would be hard, but I was convinced I could handle it. And, being who I am, I expected it to come to fruition in just the right way. Immediately.
If you know me, you'll laugh your ass off at that statement and also know it to be entirely honest. I'm a linear thinker, a total type-A personality, and everything about how I approach my work has to do with problem-solving, negotiation, networking, and finding the pathway to what I want or what I think is right for me. Additionally, if you know me, you'll also know that I've been tap dancing since last May to try to figure out what my next move is. I graduated, I take the auditions, I put in the applications, which leaves the ball in the court of providence.
And momma does NOT like that. So I try to prod providence along. I take more auditions, I seek out new rep, I apply for a huge smattering of faculty positions. I accept interviews for jobs that may or may not be appropriate for me. I make large-scale contingency plans that involve dramatic changes in vocation (German teacher, personal trainer, author) and a general slash-n-burn approach to the present. Because hanging out in the present makes me INSANE when there's no visible future.
I say 'visible' because I know there is a future. I know there is a path laid for me and it is but my duty to learn patience ($%^&*&**#$@$%$#@#$) and try to accept where I'm being directed when I'm being directed. This could take forever and, likely, will. Husby and I sat down with a very insightful third party last week who has also walked the long academic walk that leads to the prefix "Dr." and he told me that the seeds one plants when investing in a doctorate are not short-term bloomers. They are long-term, deeply rooted, and may not bear fruit for a while. In a way, it's comforting to hear this from someone who has been there, but it doesn't get me out of the present fix of "what the hell do I do until May 2011 when I have a gig?" The biggest thing I can do is learn to appreciate and rejoice in the little victories. According to our financial adviser, we're on a good track. Score. I'm training for my first marathon (Chicago 10/10/10 baby!). Score. Despite lots and lots of travel, I'm still reasonably healthy and will be home for a little while. Score. Against all odds, the Saints won the Superbowl against the Colts. SUPER score (Geaux Saints!). I have this tendency to focus on the yuck, things I want to change, things that are usually out of my hands. So now, I'm going to try to put into words the things I'm really grateful for, and the incredible luck I've been given.
Ick: I have to travel to New York more often than I'd like.
Luck: The incredible generosity of patrons who have extra bedrooms and let me stay with them instead of a hostel, a sofa, or a hotel I can't afford.
Ick: I don't have any big opera gigs for another 15 months.
Luck: I have seriously big auditions lined up that could lead to some good work. Also, I have lots of rep that needs to get learned in this down time.
Ick: I don't have a job with health insurance benefits and security.
Luck: I do have a great church job where I work with wonderful people who love and support everything I do. They let me come and go when I have auditions and gigs, and always welcome me back with open arms.
Ick: A horrible snowstorm forced me to come to NYC a day early for an audition.
Luck: The horrible snowstorm conceals most of the daily yuck that makes me hate coming here. People are out with their kids, their dogs, their sleds. Everyone helps each other over the snowbanks, and it makes me smile so much that dogs are wearing parkas and little old men take my hand when I offer it to them.
Ick: I have no idea what I'm going to be when I grow up. And I have a sinking feeling I'm very near the "grown up" line.
Luck: I have more options than I can count, a supportive husband, an amazing dog, great friends, and I don't have to figure it out today.
When I look too closely at the ick, I forget how lucky I am. And that's something I can totally fix. The ball is in someone else's court for everything else. Today, I'm going to watch the snow and try to be grateful for the view.
