This is the end of the innocence

Yes, it's true. I've been listening to Don Henley. It's my old woman genes kicking in, the same ones that make me really really like Sting more than anyone should. Did you know he has a CD of John Dowland songs out now? What's hotter than regular old Sting? Sting singing with a lute!

But that's not the subject of my blog today. I did the last of my auditions for at least a week and it gives me a moment to reflect. On the way home last night, at approximately hour two of my train ride, I ran into the dance instructor from NEC, Melinda Sullivan. Melinda is hilarious and I miss seeing her regularly, but with my teaching schedule, taking her dance class is not an option for me. If only it were. We were talking about how some of the kids in the undergrad program I teach still have the shine in their eyes about becoming a 'SINGER!' instead of actually looking at it as a profession and how it sometimes clouds their ability to understand how important actually working at your craft can be.

I came about this profession in a roundabout way - through pianist, organist, choir director and musical theatre coach - so I see being a singer as more of a genesis of who I am. I enjoy it, most of the time, and when I do well in an audition (as I did yesterday at both of my auditions) it still feels really good and there's a flash of "Oh, it might just happen, I might actually get hired to be an opera singer!" but it's quickly tempered with "Don't get your hopes up too high, you've done more than ten auditions already of the 15+ you applied for, this is just one more and it will hurt less if you don't start planning your move before they call you. IF they call you."

Does this make me jaded? Am I wrong to immediately shunt my enthusiasm in the face of possible disappointment? My husband nearly burned down the house when I didn't get into San Francisco Opera and all I could do was say, "They didn't need me this year." He doesn't understand why I don't rant and rave when they don't take me, but I'm trying to keep my head cool through the terrible hurt that says, "It's not that they don't need me, it's that they don't want me." Sounds like some sort of a twisted relationship, hm? If only I could end this sadomasochistic relationship with opera.

The other night, I was telling my boss at the church I might be late for rehearsal coming from a 6pm opera rehearsal and he said, "Can't you just tell them that this is your job and you can't be late for work?" I waffled, but my immediate internal response was, "Yes, this may be my job, but that's my profession." The distinction is very important to make - one helps pay the bills for now, the other is my career choice. I envy those who can take performance or leave it. I think I used to be like that - back when I was doing 85 different things and hadn't really committed to this craft. I could be okay sitting in the orchestra pit or directing a choir or accompanying for singers or whatever, I used to say. And yes, in truth, I would be 'okay' no matter what, so long as I didn't have to do geometry for a living, but without getting too prosaic, opera is what I'm meant to do. It is what makes the most sense to me without me having to make sense of it.

And before I get too terribly depressed (please please please let one of those damned companies call soon) I'm stealing a meme from my cousin, Siggi.

58 QUIRKS ABOUT ME:

1. Initials: EMH

2. Name someone with the same birthday as you: only met one person, in elementary school, Mandy Lafargue.

3. Last thing you ate: potato leek soup

5. I say Shotgun! You say: fine, but that means I get to drive.

6. Last person you hugged? hubby

8. How many U.S states have you been to? I'd say at least 35

9. How many of the U.S states have you lived in: 7

11. Name something you like physically about yourself? my eyebrows

13. Who do you go to for advice? my mom

14. Why are you still up? because it's 11:19am and I couldn't stay asleep

15. Who made you angry today? no one yet

16. Favorite type of Food?: comfort food - bring on the black eyed peas

17. Favorite holidays: Halloween

18. Do you download music: No, but I do pilfer from the LP collection in the music library

19. Do you care if your socks are dirty or not? um, gross

21. Would you date the person who posted this? she's my cousin, and I don't want any cracks about being from Louisiana!

22. Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally? I'm a musician, what do you think?

23. Do you love anyone? Just anyone? No. Do I love someone? Yes.

24. Do you like Bush? I suppose I might if he weren't the leader of the free world. In that sort of, "Hey, let's go play pool and drink cheap beer if you're buying" kind of way.

25. Have you ever bungee jumped? no

26. Have you ever went white-water rafting? no

27. Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you? rather frequently

28. How much money ya got on you? four dollars, some change, a safety pin and a tiger's eye rock

29. Have you met a real redneck? of course - it's not like you only find them in museums

30. How is the weather right now: weird - unseasonably warm for a Boston December

31. What are you listening to right now? Sting playing the lute

32. What is your current fav song? hard to say

33. What was the last movie you watched? Albert Herring

34. Do you wear contacts: yes

35. Where was the last place you went? NYC, for auditions

36. What are you afraid of? Sucking at what I do.

37. How many piercings and tattoo's have you had? 3 piercings, don't ask

38. How many pets do you have? just the one, Sammy the lab. Mom & Pop have Max the dachsund, but he's hardly more than a hairy yapping paperweight so he doesn't count.

39. What's one thing you've learned? I get assigned Tennessee Williams monologues because my natural dramatic voice is southern.

40. Do you get along with your parents? yes, now

41. What do you usually order from Starbucks? tall latte

42. Have you ever fired a gun? goodness no

43. Are you missing someone? my friend Emily, who I haven't seen in nearly two years

44. Fav. TV show? Nip/Tuck

45. Do you have an iPod? I refuse to convert to Mac in any way shape or form. I have a Creative Zen Nano!

46. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celeb? Emma Thompson

48. Who would you like to see right now? my mom

49. Favorite movie of all time? When Harry Met Sally

50. Do you find yourself loved? all the time

51. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to do? more than I'd like to admit

52. Favorite flower? Gerbers

53. Butter, plain, or salted popcorn? popped in the pan with nothing on it

54. What Magazines are you reading? the New Yorker

55. Have you ever ridden in a limo? yes

56. Has anyone you were really close to passed away recently? Oma, earlier in the week - it's hard to say if we were really close, but we were family

58. What's something that really bugs you? How I paid for highlights and now my hair just looks light brown. It's stupid and vain, I know.