Gratitude, Day 15

1. My shoulder hurts less today.
2. My dissertation session went well.
3. I got to hang out and speak some German.
4. Beef teriyaki for dinner tonight!
5. One quick run with the husby and the pup chases the crazy away. And boy do I need it.

Audition number two of three (this week) is tomorrow. Husby has taken the day off work so we can work on laundry and packing and the general tending of the crazy whirlwind that's about to transpire. And I'm not ready to go to London. Not physically, not emotionally, not musically. Not not not. I need more time to deal with the separation. I need to figure out how I feel about this. I need to get to the point where I can be excited and share in the joy of this experience and not just wish I were sitting at home in my house doing nothing rather than being anywhere else. I need a kick in the ass of my soul, as it were.

I am so grateful for the opportunities afforded me. I know that this does not come along every day. The economy is in the toilet and I have a job in the arts that I'm keeping. And I get to do what I love. No argument. But the thought of packing that suitcase makes my stomach sink in a big way that tells me it will be harder on me this time. I'll miss my tiffany box-blue kitchen and my warm red dining room that housed our first Thanksgiving. I'll even miss the chirping of the smoke alarm batteries and the distant clanging of the commuter train. This is home now, really home. And I don't think it had truly sunk in until I had to leave it for work.

So pray hard kids. Because all the running in the Boston Marathon is not going to make this go away. Saturday morning, I'm on a plane to London and I'm not coming back until March.
And They Might Be Giants is going to carry me through the next four minutes. Everything after that is up for grabs.

Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
Who watches over you
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul

Gratitude, Day 14

My friends Mary, Laura, and Margaret think I'm bonkers for going running in the cold. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't necessarily agree with them. Running in the cold can be really nice, if you've got the right clothes on and the wind isn't too bad.

This was not that day. Right now is the warmest it's been all day and it's 19 degrees outside, and the weather channel says that the wind chill makes it feel like 7. And I decided to go for a run. It's kind of sunny, the route I took doesn't have too many hills, I should be fine, right? Suuuuuure. Keep telling yourself that. About halfway through, I was sure that I was going to expire right there on the road, but thankfully I kept telling myself that the house would feel sooooo warm when I got home and no, you're not really as chilly as you think you are, it's the wind biting through that top layer you've got on (note to self: must MUST purchase a good running jacket) but you'll warm up. And I did, thankfully. And once I rounded that last corner and was able to see my house, it was just painful push to the end.

Running in the cold is for crazy people. But at least I'm crazy and burning calories, right?

1. The microwave repair guy was on time and now the microwave is fixed
2. My gloves were not lost and did not blow away while lying on the lawn all night
3. I have an audition tomorrow for the opera company in my hometown
4. I'm one more edit session closer to finishing my dissertation
5. My voice teacher is coming to dinner. Hooray!

Gratitude, every day

1.  my sweet husband, who lets me camp out on the sofa to work on my dissertation and brings me food and tea and lets me sleep with two pillows and always tells me to take every audition

2.  my family, even though they drive me crazy

3.  my job, because I have one and others don't

4.  my house, because we finally have a place to call our own

5.  my church community, who is always sad to see me go and happy when I return

Yesterday was a roller-coaster day.  We got up early and ran a 5K in some pretty cold weather and had a blast.  If I can figure out how to get the pictures off my phone, I'll be sure to post a few here, it was hilarious.  Showered and grabbed a quick bite before I had to go up to church to sing a funeral.  This is pretty typical for my church job - weddings and funerals and memorials and such.  I've been doing it for a while so usually I'm able to keep my cool and do my job, but yesterday was the hardest I've ever had to fight to keep my head above water.  There was a memorial service for a young man, only 20 years old, who had died of leukemia.  His younger sister helps out with the chorister program and takes voice lessons with me.  Everyone who read was young.  Most of the people in the congregation were young.  So many young, grieving people, trying to support this family in what must be an incredible tragedy for them, and the clergy and choir are gathered to help make this service beautiful and uplifting, comforting even, for them.  Because we're supposed to celebrate, to rejoice in the life that was led and that the suffering of this child is over and that he is with his King.  But even now, a whole day later, I still can't get the choked feeling out of my throat.  I can't stop hearing his father's voice, cracking and shaking as he delivered a eulogy for his own son, hearing the sniffles of the congregants, feeling my own face flush and feeling my breath skip when I'm trying to keep it together (come on now, keep it together, you're a professional, you're here to help them celebrate and grieve but it's about THEM).  It's just so hard sometimes.  I don't know how the clergy do it.  How do you suspend your own reaction to such sadness, how do you not cry with someone when they're hurting?  I just don't know.

So I called my mom to talk to her.  I'll probably call my brother later today - he's twenty and I can't imagine my life without his three-word text messages and his silly sweet disposition.  

Go hug someone you love.  Hell, hug anyone who's near.  Because there's a family grieving for the loss of their son and no doubt many more people grieving in silence without a church family to hold them up.  That's my two cents for the day.