What's next

There's an optimist inside of me.  She believes that I'm meant to be wherever I'm at, and that I'm going to stay on the right path, so long as I listen to what rings true for me.  She's able to make decisions, because she believes that said right path will be revealed to her. 

And she has absolutely no fucking clue what is coming next. 

We've been in limbo since October, maybe before.  What's happening with my career, what's happening with my husband's job, what's happening with our parents, our loved ones, our house, even our dog.  Every time the dust looks like it might settle, someone picks up the cosmic snowglobe and gives it another good shake.  Cosmic jackass.  

For someone who likes security, I sure picked the wrong career.  I don't remember which one of my insightful friends told me this, but they were right.  I suck at change, and yet it keeps coming.  I've tried digging my heels in against the wave before, but it just makes it worse when it breaks over my head.

One of my high school classmates is an assistant food editor for a newspaper back home.  Every time I see a new recipe she's posted, I want to go into the kitchen and cook it.  Except that I'm cooking on two burners in a studio efficiency in France, and with the bare minimum of basics: olive oil, salt, and Herbes de Provence.  I have no freezer, and no storage space.  Mardi Gras season is coming to a close, and I haven't been home to see it in almost ten years.  And though my friend Paul says he has no sympathy for me because, after all, I'm in France, I'm having a harder time than usual enjoying being abroad.  I don't mind being surrounded by a foreign language, learning to read cooking directions in French (what the hell is a bain Marie and what does she have to do with boiling?), picking up new words, going to see movies with surtitles.  But I'm not 22, and I have more than a backpack on my back.  

I'm ready for home now.  My inner optimist is exhausted from tap dancing herself forward, and if one of those questions marks would please just turn over to a yes or a no, either way, just one, then maybe I could stop listening to Dave Matthews and pining for Louisiana.