Under pressure

I had laryngitis all last week. For the first time ever. And then I had an allergy attack in the Norman Rockwell Museum, which has precipitated some very serious gook in my nose and throat. Nothing colorful, just....plentiful. Yuck.

I'm supposed to be in Vermont right now. I'm supposed to be in Middlebury, immersing myself in my German so I can audition for these agents on Thursday. And yet, where am I? I'm still in Boston. I'm actually in my running clothes because I decided to go do a little four-miler with the running club this evening. They are doing eight miles, but since I did six yesterday, I'm going to lay out halfway through.

When people ask me about sources of pressure (school, job, etc) nothing seems to measure up to the amount of pressure I put on myself. Pressure to make my workouts, meet my goals, get well on time, learn my music right away, get the laundry done before I'm out of running socks, all of those things. It's always been this way - I set goals and, if I don't meet them, I'm so much harder on myself than necessary. I had laryngitis. I didn't go to a Faith No More concert and scream my lungs out. I didn't blow out my vocalis by yelling at A-Rod at a Sox/Yankees game. It just happened. Poof. I did everything in my power to get better quickly. I didn't talk or whisper. I drank lots of fluids. No caffeine (aaaaarrrrrgh) or alcohol. Lots of sleep. Throat-soothing tea. But I'm scared that if I drive up to Vermont tomorrow, I'll have to sing. Just because I'm there. I will have to sing because I'm me and I will be there and exercising restraint in the face of an opportunity has never been my style.

So why am I still sitting in Boston in my running clothes?

Because I have crud. I have crud in my throat and my voice is mostly there but it's not back in shape, nowhere near ready to get up and sing Lakme or Zerbinetta for those people. And I don't want to make a bad first impression (you only get one chance to make a first impression...blahblahblah) but if I don't go, is it because I'm scared I'll suck or because I'm not ready. And is that letting myself off the hook. And would letting myself off the hook be such a bad thing for once.

Is bowing out giving up or being sensible? Ask me after my run. Maybe I'll know by then.