Frailty, thy name is 'voce'

It's been a week since the show opened and we've got our third show tonight.  I've still got some lingering throat crud from the crazy weather changes, but I know it will be gone by 6:30pm when the curtain goes up tonight.  More reviews have come in, good and bad alike, and I've come to the conclusion that I will not wake up with another voice inside my throat simply because someone gave me a review.  If only it were so!  How many times have we wished for the ability to take that pesky little mechanism out of our throat, take it apart and clean every corner, tweak it until it runs like a NASCAR racer, and put it back in, better than it was before.  Well Virginia, there may indeed be a Santa Claus, but anatomy don't lie and you only get the one larynx so just deal with reality.  Some things, many things actually, are beyond our control.  Like illness.  

I'm not actually talking about my own illness, I'm talking about the illness of one of my colleagues that caused the artistic director to pull her from the show at intermission the other night.  Poor darling, she's got a nasty bug and even though she made it through the first act beautifully, her cover was put on notice and sent onstage to do the second act.  It's every young singer's secret and unspoken dream, and every other singer's secret and unspoken nightmare. What do you mean, she's sick?  Like really sick?  And I get to put on the costume and perform the role that I've been nurturing all this time?  I really get to do it?  

I'm sick.  Yes, I know.  But I can still get through this, I can I know I can.  But you're putting on the understudy.  Oh God, please don't let this be happening.  

This is my soapbox for the moment: supporting your colleagues.  Really supporting them, not this false show of kindness and collegiality that only lasts until the other person is out of the room.  We are all vulnerable to this kind of incident.  My husband and I recently signed up for life insurance, for both of us, and disability insurance, just for him.  Why just for him, you might ask.  Because the insurance company doesn't see not being able to sing as "disability."  

They can't qualify exactly what that means, so they won't insure it.  Have you ever met a singer who can't sing anymore?  I'm not talking about the ones who retire.  A singer who's on vocal rest because they've got health issues.  It's like a caged animal living behind those eyes, terrified that they will never be able to open their mouth and make that noise again, terrified that they will open their mouth and the noise that comes out will not even remotely resemble the sound that they spent years and years of lessons and coaching and education honing into a sound that would pay their rent.  Every time a singer cracks a note, or feels that tickle start to come in, the terror stirs and asks, "will this be the last?"  Dramatic, I know, but bear with me here - we live and work in wigs and dresses that require three people to get through the door.  The incredible frailty of those little muscles that live inside the throat of every singer should inspire the utmost compassion and sympathy, especially from their colleagues.  So I tell you this now: every time you think bad thoughts about that singer who's in your cast, the one who really wish would come down with a terminal case of bad hair and retire, every time you talk about another singer being a drama queen because they won't go out the night before a performance, or mock them for drinking water when everyone else has a cocktail, ask yourself this question:

Who will hold my hand when they tell me I'm not going on for act II?  

I'm really lucky right now.  I've got wonderful colleagues.  WONDERFUL.  And I'm relishing it because I know it will not always be this way.  So you double up on your vitamin C and say your prayers and give thanks for whatever gift the good Lord gave you.  Be kind to one another.

I'm off to the theatre.  

A blog in three parts

There's a lot to say, so we'll do this Lord of the Rings-style.

Part I:  The Birds

I got to the theatre for opening night a bit early.  More than a bit early, really.  Early enough to get a sandwich from Pret, stand in line at Cafe Nero (yes, I am the girl who gets her sandwich from one place and her latte from another) and still get backstage 20 minutes before my makeup call.  Changed into dressing gown and stockings and character shoes, listened to silly music on iPod to keep spirits up and nerves down.  Eddie the makeup wizard was there to put on the most beautiful false eyelashes that look like exotic birds and make sure my wig didn't get inspired to go anywhere.  We were hearing the calls go out over the PA and the admins were dashing in and out, handing out cards and bringing flowers and well-wishing.  First night is always so much fun.  Everyone is hopeful and excited and just so thrilled to get things off the ground finally.  So my dresser shows up to lace me into my corset and we hear the audience start to titter.  And then laugh.  And laugh even louder, when Eddie turns to me and says, "Something's happened....it must be the birds."  Now some of you know this score already, but here's the catch-up:  George the birdman is in costume every night, just in case one of his trained beauties decides to go off-message.  He's been onstage maybe three times in 20 years, but those birds got a wild hair (or feather, if you will) and decided that nope nosiree were they going into the basket not having any of it.  George did go out and rescue our Papageno and the show did go on.  Despite last week's close encounter with illness, I got up on that stage and brought every inch of game I have.  I was fierce, I was manipulative, I played good mommy/ bad mommy and I didn't trip on my train.  And when the wall closed back, I was satisfied, happy even, with the way Act I had gone for me.  During intermission the admins came back to say how pleased they were and they hoped I was pleased too.  I was scarfing half of my Pret sandwich, trying to replace some of the calories I had just burned.  I'm always amazed by how much energy this role takes out of me.  Maybe it's the ramp-up, but I have to say I'm relieved every time the arias are over.  It's like the high jump - will I clear the bar?  Because there is no redemption if I don't clear the bar.  Act II is time for serious concentration.  Pace backstage to get the swish into my skirt, feel my foot roll into the floor, envision myself as the stalking panther, deep breath and into the scene.  Stalking panther, spitting cobra, Joan Crawford, throw the knife, grab the wrists and throw to the ground, boom let's sing about vengeance.  

Breath breath breath center the brain lower that larynx and don't forget to actually sing, not just hiss and spit.  Norma Desmond Bette Davis Kathy Bates Maria Callas Carrie Diana Damrau take a breath and pick up the knife, wail like a banshee, exit with thunder and lightning.

Score.  Eat a carmel egg.  Change for the finale.  Half a cup of coffee.  Stalk in an overcoat, go down the trap, begin to throw off clothes for quick change, someone takes off my wig wrap, pull up the corset, shove the skirt underneath, double check for earrings and necklace, straighten gloves, hightail it upstairs and don't get snagged on the doorframe.  Bows.  Lots of yelling, and the roar wells up and surprises me.  The balcony just goes up and up and up and up and the lights are so bright.  Tiptoeing forward and backward in the line so I don't get tripped up in my skirts and then the curtain comes down down and we're hugging and kissing and congratulating each other and it's beautiful.  I want to do this as long as I can, with these people.  Because I have the best colleagues ever.  Hugs hugs hugs find the dresser get unhooked start to take off the eyelashes and spirit gum and don't scrub too hard you'll take off a full layer of skin brush out the pincurls hoo boy that looks interesting throw on my nice shoes for the opening night party congrats congrats good show see you upstairs yes.  

Everyone should have the opportunity to feel like this, at least once in their lifetime.  To stand on an historic stage, whatever form that takes, and to know that you've showed out well.  

Here endeth part one.

Part II:  Opinions are like....well, you know.

I'm rubber, you're glue.  I know you are, but what am I.  As you get older, these kinds of insults transform into more acidic, pointed, personal barbs that are designed to make your point with maximum impact and minimum length, hopefully ending in someone walking away quickly.  Now I wouldn't be a good girl if I didn't know how to turn a phrase, so I know when someone is trying to put me down.  You don't have to sugar-coat it, but at least tell the truth.  That's all I ask of you, if you're going to talk smack.  Opening night was Saturday, so reviews usually come out Monday.  Just after midnight, on a serious dissertation tear that started as a two-hour stint in Pret and ended in butter chicken after 10pm, I decided to have a look-see.  Thanks to google, one can find almost any kind of information at the click of a mouse and, if you know what you're looking for, it makes the fishing part easier.  So I went fishing.  And boy did I get the business end of that hook.  Lacking authority.  Has technical facility.  Lacking technical facility.  Good acting.  Bad acting.  No acting.  Excellent character.  Not old enough to be believable (that's a new one - I'm sorry, aren't we here for the willful suspension of disbelief?).  And here's where I draw the line: sang wrong notes.  He didn't even come out and say it.  He just said I sang some impressive high notes, just not the ones Mozart asked for.  

Well I'm gonna call bullshit on that one mister.  You can say my intonation went awry if you think it did.  You can say my coloratura was filled with malice.  And you can say that I'm not old enough to be believed as the mother of an adult.  Well no shit.  But that's why we put on costumes.  Welcome to the theatre!  I'm putting you on notice.  Because I sang all the right notes, so don't go throwing that one at me.  

I was a disaster for most of the day.  Google news is like my own personal hell.  So how did I channel my emotional turmoil?  I worked on my dissertation.  I worked and worked and worked to the point where I've only got one comment box left.  One little question that's unresolved.  I'm waiting on an answer from a librarian and when I hear back, that box will get closed and the dissertation will go back to the editors and hopefully stay there.  Some people channel their drama into their work, but that way usually leads to losing your voice in my profession.  Me, I get out the scissors and needle and thread and mend up all the little flaws in my dissertation - my magnum opus that will go before a committee who will decide whether or not I'm worthy to be called "Dr." by my students in the future.  So here I am again, up late, working through this series of emotions ranging from confusion to utter disbelief to outrageous elation to murderous rage to blase dismissal.  And that's where I'm at right now.  

Which brings us to part three.

Part III:  Like water off a duck's back, or "it's not business, it's personal."

When you carry your instrument and thereby your occupation around inside your body, it tends to foster a certain amount of paranoia.  Hence every singer stereotype about the tea and the water and the lozenges and the humidifiers and the nasal rinses.  It's all true.  It's all there and it's all true and we all do it in our own fashion.  I think the high frequencies inside the head lead to madness, so that means I've got a one-way ticket to Crazytown.  This means that a criticism of said instrument is directly related to a criticism of the body in which it lives.  This is inevitable and we all find ways to deal with it.  Detachment.  Information.  Science.  Therapy.  

For me, it's running.  Since I got sick last week, I haven't been running, which explains why it was harder than usual to find some clarity in this experience.  They hired me for a reason.  They hired ME.  And I did my job and will continue to do my job.  The opinions of the dilettantes should just roll off me.  Should.  But it hurts to see total strangers put down what you do in major news publications.  So I did what I always do.  I read and reread and reread until I found the angle.  And here it is: if you read six reviews of the same performance, you will find six different performances.  The soprano was flat, the soprano was sharp, the soprano was not mentioned.  The orchestra played well, the orchestra was not together, the orchestra was very stylish, the orchestra is stuck in a rut.  The production is beautiful and timeless, the production is musty and dated, the production is uninspired, and so on and so on.  

We cannot live and die at the hands of our critics.  We cannot allow ourselves to be so open to the opinions of others.  We cannot mold ourselves to be everything that they want and even if we could, we would lose that spark of individuality that puts our stamp on everything we do.  I can only sing like me.  And if a handful of people who have access to print media don't like that, then I can only shrug and say I'm sorry they don't like my singing.  So I've given myself my one day of sulking.  I watched The Holiday and a few silly episodes of Friends and worked on my knitting and tomorrow I'm going to get up and go running.  I'm going to the grocery store where I will pick up good food for the rest of the week.  I'm going to take off this ridiculous blue nail polish and cut my nails before I stab myself in the eyeball trying to put in or take out a contact lens.  And I'm going to allow for the possibility that the casting director and artistic director and conductor and director might know more than the critic who didn't like my singing.

Maybe not so efficient as the business with the duck's back.  Maybe it's more like my dog's fur when he goes out in the rain.  Being a Lab, he doesn't get soaked like other long-haired dogs do.  He gives a good shake before he comes in the house, starting at his head and down his back and all the way to the end of his tail, and then I just have to get the excess moisture off his coat before he rubs it into my jeans.  Maybe this is me, having shaken off most of it, waiting for the rest to be wiped away.  I am stronger for this.  But gosh, did I have to get so much stronger in such a short period of time?

I cannot grow; I have no shadow to run away from, I only play.

I cannot err; there is no creature whom I belong to, whom I could wrong.

I am defeat when it knows it can now do nothing by suffering.

All you lived through, dancing because you no longer need it for any deed.

I shall never be different.  Love me.

Blessed Cecilia, appear in visions to all musicians, appear and inspire.

Translated daughter, come down and startle composing mortals with immortal fire.

Auden put it on the line.  I shall never be different.  Love ME.  That's what we have to do, every hour of every day.  How is it that being ourselves is the hardest thing to do, yet who else would we be?

Gratitude, at this very late hour:

1.  sleeping in when I need it

2.  the kindness of friends who go to the library because you can't do it yourself

3.  simplicity of emotion

4.  the ability to get back up again

5.  seven more chances to stick it to the critics - "I know I am an artist, but what are you?"

Nothing but net.  Because it's always go time.

It's go time

It's 10:45am in London.  I have to leave the house in six hours for the theatre.  Makeup starts at 6:15pm, the dresser comes at 7:20pm to lace me into my corset, and the overture begins right around 7:35pm.  The excessively polite voice will come over the PA and ask patrons to take their seats, the admins walking around backstage will give us one last wave of good luck and good show and make their way out to the house that seats over 2000 people and take their places to watch this time-tested production of Magic Flute go up.  The trap will work, the snake will be slain, the birds will fly, and I will be backstage, humming and knitting and sipping my licorice tea (new performance ritual) and trying not to get stuck going through doors.  When your costume is four times as wide as you are and your wig makes you nearly 7 feet tall, this is a feat.  

It's go time.  I've been waiting for this day, wishing it would hurry up and get here, wishing it would still be another two weeks off because I'm not ready I'm not ready of course I'm ready.

I'm ready for this.  A week ago I was on Liz's sofa coughing and feeling wretched and on the verge of tears and now, my nose is a little dry, but I slept with my eye mask on so the morning light wouldn't wake me at 7am and I am well-rested.  I am prepared.  I'm going to cook a good breakfast, make myself my morning cup of tea, and watch the series finale of West Wing season 7.  I'm going to do some stretching, take a long shower and inhale all that beautiful steam and warm up slowly.  The dress rehearsal was at 1030am, the worst possible time they could have picked for this kind of singing, and it went well.  That means that an opera starting at 730pm will be just fine.  Better than fine.  

Because it's go time.  I'm here, I'm ready, I'm singing a role I know I can sing and acting a character I know I can play.  And it's time to bring it hard.  

London Coliseum.  7:30pm.  Game on.

Fit to print

I just had a weird role reversal on the phone with my mother.  She was telling me about some crazy beotch from her work who tore her head off when my mother suggested that she might stop looking at wedding gowns online and finish up her work at the end of the day.  Because doing your job is optional, apparently.  So she tears into Miss Jean and Miss Jean, being who she is, writes this girl an email apologizing for her 'lack of tact' (read: telling the truth).  And I don't know why, but this huge surge of protectiveness welled up inside of me and I basically lectured my mother for ten minutes on the importance of keeping that kind of discourse in person and OUT of email, lest someone try to use her well-intentioned email against her.  

When I write emails to faculty about the DMA, I usually CC it to about four people - advisers, administrators, department heads, etc. because I know that information needs to be seen by multiple people and they all need to see the same text.  I also do this to cover my own ass, lest someone say, "but that's not what you said to so-and-so."  Especially useful when negotiating things, the e-paper trail has become a way of life.  And my poor sweet mother is just the type of person to put her do-gooder self in jeopardy by apologizing to some accounting tartlet who really doesn't care about her job, nor does she care about her relationship with Miss Jean.  

I kept telling her I just don't want her to get hurt.  I don't want someone to manipulate her words.  This is the danger with email: there is no context, there is no tone, no inflection.  

I think I hurt her feelings.  I know I hurt her feelings.  And after it was all said and done, I found myself apologizing if I came across as harsh.  For all of her smarts, Miss Jean genuinely believes in the good in people.  This unfortunate gene was also passed on to me, and my sweet husband frequently tells me to stop doing those things I do like talking to strangers, trying to build bridges with difficult colleagues.  Things that I do instinctively, but don't really have anything to do with my work.  

How do open-hearted people survive in this world?  I'm at this great opera company with wonderful colleagues right now and I'm almost dreading going anywhere else, lest the colleagues be not as nice, the staff not as helpful or solicitous.  I'm now spoiled for other companies, and I don't want to go.  And my poor mother, now probably sniffling quietly because I yelled at her for being too nice, is surrounded by these young sharks who are just interested in their own lives, their own careers, and I don't want her to get hurt.  

I don't want to get hurt either.

Sigh.

O say can you see

Inauguration Day 2009.  

Twelve years ago I was standing in the bitter January cold watching President Clinton get sworn in for the second time and thinking about how amazing it is to be an American citizen.  Well this year it's going to be me in my jammies watching the inauguration on youtube or some other streaming video, thinking about how amazing guaifenesin syrup is and how it's almost completely gotten rid of the crud on my cords in the last four days.  Four days of no singing, tea and honey and lemon and water, and a lot A LOT of television.  It's not in my nature to take illness lying down.  I'm usually the first person to beat feet to the doctor's office.  But this time, that role was taken up by my sweet husband who was all over me like a duck on a june bug to get my ass to the doctor.  But here's what I've learned about being a singer.  No matter what's going on in your throat, unless it's bacterial, there ain't shit a doctor can do for you.  They will offer you antibiotics that won't work, they will offer you a steroid injection to make a short-term difference that could enable long-term damage, and they will tell you what your mother always told you: go home, get some rest, drink lots of fluids and eat soup.  Well this time, I'm listening.  I almost spent more time running to the loo than I did on Liz's sofa, thanks to the double-fisted cocktail of tea and water, coupled with the magical G sauce.  Pity I couldn't find mucinex over here - it doesn't taste nearly as nasty as that syrup.  Yeech.  Bleh.  Gak.

My old friend Molly got me thinking about optimism.  A lot of people are waiting for Barack Obama to be the saviour of the nation, and a lot of people are waiting for him to fall on his face and renege on the promises made during his campaign.  The mantra of 'change' has affected everyone I know, cynic and optimist alike, prompting them to wonder what form this 'change' will take.  Molly put forth the idea that even changing the way people think about optimism, about hope, is a move in the right direction, and I'm gonna get behind her on this one.  I can be hopeful that things will be better.  I can hope that this new president will have the intelligence and the tenacity to jump in and get his hands dirty, to look at things with fresh eyes (nearly wrote French eyes there - guess who hasn't had caffeine in days??) and try to steer things closer to a course that's right for most of the people, not right for most of the right.  And I can hope that four years from now, we'll still have the faith in him that we do now, and we'll elect him all over again.  Because I want my kids to grow up with hope and faith in their nation.  

So what's the moral for the day?  Vote and take your vitamins.  

Gratitude:

1.  four years of hope, coming this way

2.  modern medicine in the form of mucinex

3.  licorice tea and manuka honey - tastes better than cough drops

4.  the opportunity to sing on a world stage - pray hard that the voice is ready.  Shit, pray hard that I'm ready.

5.  my incredible friends and husband, drawing near from all over the world to bear witness to this huge event in my career.  

T minus four days till opening night.

All this time

I'm at my friend Liz's flat in Essex.  After an excruciatingly long week of rehearsals, I'm here to escape the city and to watch all of the Harry Potter movies back to back and eat fajitas and drink tea and sleep late and stay in my pyjamas for two days.  I ventured out of my bedroom to grab a banana and noticed that she's already printed out the Yankees season calendar.  This is the beauty of getting to know old friends again.  Liz and I got to know each other working on a show in Exeter nearly seven years ago.  There was lots of drinking and cavorting and merry-making and curry-eating, as well as an alarming amount of clubbing for yours truly.  And now, here we are, seven years later.  She's super-stoked that I'm singing at the ENO, and I'm just so tickled that she loves baseball.  Even if she is a Yankees fan.

I'm also catching up on my American TV shows.  Who knew that Grey's would take such a dark turn??  I'm trying to relax, drinking lots of water, and telling myself that I've got a full week to get over this cough that keeps waking me up and disturbing my otherwise undisturbed sleep.  I've got a full week to drink throat tender tea and get some of that crazy New Zealand honey that's supposed to cure all ills and take my vitamins and not do a lot of talking.  I have a full week.  And as my friend Jamie says, Mucinex is made of angel tears and I intend to get myself some TODAY.  Because we open a week from today.  And there will be 2500 seats with people sitting in them, and I'm gonna give it to them.  Nothing but net.  

I'm scared.

Through the looking-glass

The day didn't start out well.  I walked out the door to catch the bus, which was late.  I ran through traffic to grab the Tube, and caught the connection to the District line just in time, and then was stuck behind slow people on the stairs.  Got into the train station with five minutes to spare, and got stuck behind slow person at the ticket machine.  Flung myself through the ticket gate, only to see my train pulling out.  All of this, before coffee and before 10am.  

Made it to Blackheath for the sitzprobe with a minute to spare, warmed up, and then sat for about 45 minutes.  This is standard.  Sang my first act aria, sat and did Sudoku until lunchtime.  Made it back to the house, felt like poop, whinged about feeling like poop to the husband, who suggested I go and run out the boo.  Which I did.  

I still feel a little puny.  Throat is a bit swollen, nose a little drippy, but I ran for 33 minutes and felt loads better for having done so.  And I think most of the Tanglewood offers went out this week, which further reinforces that I've got no work for the summer.  It's hard to keep perspective.  I'm singing at this amazing house with a great cast and a wonderful orchestra and I really like it, yet I'm feeling dejected because a festival I didn't enjoy didn't invite me back.  Stupid stupid stupid.  But the grass is always greener on the other side.  Would I rather be starting out as an international mainstage artist or doing really well as a young artist?  Dumb question, of course.  No one wants to peak at 28.  At least, I don't.

Perspective.  That's what this gratitude business is about.  Perspective.  So here goes, from my side of the looking-glass.

1.  I have work.  Good work.  And a decent amount of it.  I get paid to sing things I like to sing.

2.  I have a sweet husband who keeps our life rolling while I'm away.

3.  I have the physical capability to go and run out the crazy when I need to.

4.  I have a nice, quiet, safe place to live while I'm here.

5.  I have supportive friends on both sides of the pond who are caring for me and my beloved while I'm away.  

And that, dear friends, is all she wrote.  Time to get ready for Mandy Patinkin!

Raising the bar

Total time: 46 minutes

Warm up: 5 minutes

Cool down: 5 minutes

Time spent chasing loose dog so he wouldn't end up in the street: 3 minutes

Running time: 33 minutes 

Yesterday was my free day; free from work, free from running, free from rehearsal.  Ayla and I went to her favorite French pastry place in Soho and then spent some quality time at the National Portrait Gallery.  We tried to catch evensong at the Abbey but discovered that it was at 3 on weekends, not at 5 as she had thought, so we ducked into Westminster Cathedral to look at the mosaics and defrost our fingertips.  It was getting into the evening and she had dinner plans, so we grabbed a quick cup of tea at Pret a Manger, aka "Pret Manager," as spoken by the tourists at the next table, and parted ways.  A thoroughly enjoyable yet effortless day. The only real effort was refraining from another pastry....mmmmm.....pastry.

It's a gorgeous day today - sunny, about 43, and breezy.  Perfect weather for running.  I told myself I would go for a 'long run' today to make up for that amazing pastry yesterday, and to see if I can push myself to last longer, at a slightly slower pace.  The good news is that I can!  

I still don't know how long those laps are around the park and with all the little paths here and there, I suspect it would be difficult to get an accurate mileage on it, but at last check, I was schlepping about an 11 to 12-minute mile, meaning that today I ran somewhere around three miles.  This is a huge milestone for me, as I've only ever run more than two miles on a track, a treadmill, and the Jolly Jaunt 5K last month.  This means I can do it on a semi-regular basis, and that I can probably increase my mileage over the next six weeks while I'm here.  

I went to the ballet with my friend Steve the other night.  Steve, like myself, is a young singer who's gotten a big break at an international house.  He's singing at the Royal Opera House, just around the corner from the Coliseum, so we're going to be seeing a lot of each other at the Pret that's halfway between.  We were settling into our seats for Manon and he says to me, "Oh! What are you doing on the 24th?  We've got orchestra dress if you want to come."  And I, excited and surprised to be able to say it, replied, "Um, I'm opening that night."  And we both laughed.  It's an amazing thing to be here.  It's an amazing thing to be able to walk through the theatre district and see that there are amazing works of music and theatre and ballet being performed, and that I'm in one of them.  It's also amazing to have the time and opportunity to do things like go to the Portrait gallery and evensong at the Abbey and get tickets to see Mandy Patinkin in concert (TUESDAY NIGHT!!!!) and still take a day for myself to go for a long run, go to the grocery store, and work on my knitting.  As I told my friend Bethy, it's like I died and went to opera heaven.  The people are nice, the production is good, the city is great, and I get paid too.  

But there's still work to be done.  I have to finish learning Midsummer, make dissertation corrections, and work up to 5 miles.  

Gratitude

1.  my housemate Zoe, who was kind enough to hang up my laundry yesterday

2.  french pastry

3.  old friends, new friends

4.  earl grey tea

5.  the best editor in the lower 48, who sent me corrections RIGHTAWAY

First draft

I had a light day yesterday - one small rehearsal, a few cups of tea, and a few episodes of West Wing to quell the daily dose of Heimweh.  And it occurred to me that I might do a bit of work on my dissertation.  Husband brought the sample from the Verdi critical edition that I needed to model my critical notes, I'd finally figured out how to deal with Word for Mac, and it was too dark to go running.  So why not?  I spread out my piles in a little circle around my chair, as I do, and started scrolling through my document looking for the little red 'comment' bubbles that remind me of things I still need to do or sections I need to rework.  And about two and a half hours later, it was done.  Done.  My first draft is done.  I went back through, just to make sure there wasn't some crazy section I'd forgotten, or a footnote that still needed to be formatted, but no, the only red bubbles were questions to my adviser and a source question that won't get answered until I get that particular source.  So I renamed the file with the updated date and time and sent it to my readers.  And now, all that remains is to wait for their notes.  I know that one of them will pour red all over my paper, finding every comma that's in the wrong place, every sentence that's in passive voice (DAMN YOU PASSIVE VOICE) and every turn of phrase that doesn't fit, and my writing will be so much the better for it.  And by the time this document goes to the committee it will be so incredibly watertight, so sleek and well-knit (am I still talking about my dissertation or have we moved on to the swimsuit competition?) that they will be bowled over by my academic prowess and graduate me on the spot.  

Okay, I don't care about academic prowess, but I really really want to graduate.  May 17th, 2009, Dr. Queen of the Night, bring it on.  

In other news, the morning run was lovely, and the dog watching was wonderful.  So many beautiful dogs, but none as beautiful as my Sammy.  *sigh*  

Gratitude

1.  my adviser - who is such a badass

2.  hobnobs with nutella

3.  the Rolling Stones, who helped me wake up this morning

4.  my mom - who gifted/cursed me with that pit bull tenacity

5..  my sweet husband - who kept bugging me to finish the damned thing.  And I did!

Mamma Mia

I usually don't run with headphones on.  Being an urban runner means I'm on the lookout for cars, bikes, scooters, trucks, and the other pedestrians with their headphones on who don't notice me, trotting down the pavement (in an electric blue running top, but nevermind that) toward them at what might be called a respectable clip.  But the park across the street gives me a rare opportunity, so I decided to try out the iPod shuffle that was gifted to me just before I left Boston.  And what was there to greet me as soon as I set foot out of the door into the glorious and extremely rare English sunshine?  Dancing Queen.  I didn't realize until the song was over but it made those first very painful minutes of my run somehow more passable.  I was smiling, enjoying the weather, looking out at the people with their dogs, and thinking about how lucky I am to have this time, to make this time for my own health (and mental health).  One of the things my mom complains about with her reentry into the work force is the lack of time for her to go to the gym.  My mom was one of those nutty 80s step aerobics whackos who went on to become a 90s aerobic body sculpting whackos and has now entered the phase of the 21st century spinning cult.  You know, where you sit on the bike and lift weights at the same time to high volume techno music?  That's my mom.  But she says it takes a real toll on her mental well-being when she can't get to the gym as much as she'd like.  And if Miss Jean isn't happy, ain't nobody happy, so I encourage her to keep getting up at the crack of dawn if that's what is required of her to get to the gym before work.  

So anyway, back to my English pastoral tangent.  I'm running, bopping along to Abba, and I see two of the most beautiful black labs out on the green.  Gorgeous creatures, romping in the sun and chasing after who knows what, and then this woman passes me on the path with her dog, some kind of long-haired sheperdy/hound mix, dragging a huge stick in his mouth, keen as can be, and then I see them.  The two people on the far side of the track, accompanied by not two, not four, not even six dogs.  TEN of them, all different sizes, big ones, little ones, hounds and labs and terriers, sniffing and romping and looking as if this is the best day in the western hemisphere for them.  And it just makes my day.  It seems such a small thing, but if I can improve my mood dramatically simply by putting on silly clothes and running through a public park so I can burn some calories and see some dogs, shouldn't I be doing this every day?  Shouldn't I have done this every day of my DMA???

I'm going to eat a little snack and have a shower because I'm meeting my old friend Ayla for lunch.  Ayla knew me when the suffix -teen was still attached to my age, so that gives you some time perspective.  And we're going to have a marvelous time, a late lunch and a walk by the Southwark Cathedral, and maybe I'll treat myself to a haircut.  I've been itching to lop off a few inches - part of the new year's resolution to reclaim my natural hair color means chopping off the colored part bit by bit and resisting the urge to go into the salon and say, "just put highlights on it to make it look like one color, okay??"  

Husby says I talk really fast when I'm home after my walk.  Does that apply to typing too?  Or have I just developed some form of runners' ADD?

Gratitude:

1.  Abba

2.  dogs of all shapes and sizes

3.  my friends Meghan & Margaret, who gifted me my iPod shuffle

4.  the sunshine that's still coming through my window - seems impossible

5.  Costa coffee

When the weather says NO

I must be insane.  I put on my running clothes, adding an extra layer because the weather channel said 36, feels like 25, and it was grey.  Grey is fine.  I get my clothes on, I'm stretching downstairs, when I hear this tapping sound.  Tapping.  Tap tap tap.  And it gets faster.  I look out the window to see that little bits of hail are coming down.  HAIL.  And it gets darker.  It's the middle of the day so the heat isn't on in the house and after yesterday's adventures in English heating systems, I'm not inclined to mess with the boiler again, so I'm resolved.  One lap around the park, however long that lap happens to be.  Fuck the grey.  Fuck the hail.  Fuck the weather channel.  I'm going running.  

I'm out on the path, my lungs are absolutely screaming because I've spent a whole week indoors enjoying the warmth of my relatives' traditional German cooking, cups of tea and coffee, snuggly times on the sofa.  My legs are so stiff it hardly seems possible that I've been up since 7:30 and walked to and from the tube station and all over Heathrow airport, my legs are sure they've been in bed till just now.  I'm not terribly cold until that wind picks up and starts whipping around my ears.  There are kids out on the playground, bundled up to their noses and I'm wishing I were one of them.  There's a beautiful golden retriever with his heavy winter coat, chasing a ball.  I wish I were him.  And then there are all the people in cars.  I really really wish I were one of them.  But no, I'm the nutball running on this cold January morning, freezing my earlobes off, until it happens.  

The huge cloud cover moves.  A little bit of blue begins to appear.  And then the sun comes out.

The beautiful, glorious sun comes out and shines down for the rest of my run.  I'm no longer wishing for death, or a car, or a golden retriever, or a parka, or a shot of Famous Grouse (that's another story), I'm so happy that the sun is out I almost stop running just so I can stand there in the warmth.  But I'm resolved, so I'm going to keep running until I get back to the flat.  

Anyone who says that seasonal affective disorder doesn't exist has never lived in a country where the primary weather is GREY.  This happened to me every time I lived somewhere with real winter.  I would sit inside, curled up doing nothing, drinking tea like it was going out of style, not talking to anyone, just slipping further into my yuck.  Well not this time.  Because this is 2009 and we're chasing away the crazy with new and renewed fervor.  And if it means putting on the running clothes when there's HAIL coming down (I think that was a test, I really do) and resolving to go and do that lap, no matter how much is hurts and no matter how much I'd rather be in bed or watching a full season of Buffy in my room, I'm gonna do it.  

Gratitude, again, because I'm so freakin grateful:

1.  public parks with walking/biking/running trails

2.  beautiful beautiful greens

3.  that I got more than 5 minutes of sunshine today

4.  large bathtubs

5.  marmalade

Back to reality

I'm at my new place in London, hearing the flatmates and their boyfriends ready themselves for auditions today.  They're practicing while drying their hair, applying makeup and trying not to contort their faces while humming and buzzing and whatnot.  And I'm still warming up from my trip to the airport this morning to drop off the husby.  

It's been two weeks of fun and festivity with him here.  Christmas Eve at Westminster Abbey, New Year in Germany with my family, day trips to Cambridge with my old friends, and a few lazy afternoons on the sofa watching entire seasons of Friends back to back.  Almost like life, except in  smaller beds and shared bathrooms.  But now we've got to go back to the grind.  I'm back at rehearsal later this week, getting acquainted with my new neighborhood, and trying to get through the heel of the sock I'm knitting.  There's a lovely park just across the street so I'm resolved to go running as much as I can (keep the crazy away at all costs) and to enjoy the company of other people as much as I can allow myself to.  All that hermitage and whatnot.  So tempting.  

We've promised to be good, count our WW points, socialize with others, and make progress while we're apart, but it just gets harder.  The better the gig, the easier the trip, the nicer the accommodation, the better the pay, the harder it is for us to say goodbye at the airport.  We promise to be sweet and positive and I do my sudoku on the Tube (damn you sudoku!) and curse at it when I've blocked myself into a corner and we eat our little breakfast in the airport and talk about how wonderful Costa coffee is and how much we miss the dog.  But then he's got to go through security and we're both trying to breathe deeply and not get out of hand.  Because I want to leap through security and get on the plane with him and see my house and my dog again and spend a night in my bed (omigosh I miss my bed soooo much) and do laundry in my machines.

But I've been instructed not to dwell on those things.  I'm going to put on my running clothes and sit on the sofa so the minute the sun comes out I'm ready to leap onto the path.  Keep away the crazy.  Keep away the crazy.

Gratitude in the new year:

1.  the kindness of strangers who clear out a room in their house for me to stay

2.  new family members in foreign countries

3.  electric tea kettles

4.  hot water bottles

5.  boo

Shiksa in the city - a morning at the museum

I was meant to meet an old friend for brunch this morning.  Unfortunately, she had to cancel but didn't get me on the phone until I was on the train, halfway into town.  Two choices: go home and mope or continue into the city.  So I decided to take that first step into carving out a little life here in London and went in to Charing Cross.  Trafalgar Square was lovely, all grey and misty as London is meant to be, with the fountains spitting out their beautiful spray, the national gallery just calling out to everyone, the lions around the monument being climbed on by children (and some people who fancy themselves children).  I spent the morning there, especially enjoyed the French section, and then decided to treat myself to lunch at the museum cafe.  I was so looking forward to split pea soup and a crusty roll, but the rather impolite man behind the counter informed me that they hadn't gotten in the soup of the day, nor the pie of the day, nor the quiche of the day, but I could get a sandwich from the cold case if I pleased.  Humph.  Cold case indeed.

I ended up with the chicken and mushroom pie, which was warm and tasty if a bit small, and sat quite happily reading my book until it was time to go.  Worked on the crossword before rehearsal, spent a nice hour with the director finessing the only dialogue I have, and rode the train home with the rehearsal pianist who lives about halfway between where I am and the rehearsal space.  This was very handy, as he alerted me to the shops and cinemas just off the tube in his village.  What does this mean, you might ask?  It means I might not have to fight my way into central London to see the premiere of Twilight tomorrow afternoon.  It means I won't have to ride the train home sooo very late in the cold weather.  And it also means I have one more destination to explore.

The husby arrives in five days and I'm so excited.  We're going to have a wonderful time and I get to make pecan pie for our hosts and everything.  What the world needs now is pecan pie, sweet pecan pie.  That's what I say.

1.  a late start tomorrow means another run with the geese

2.  skype - being able to cook dinner while talking to my husband

3.  discount produce at Sainsburys means I got a lot of good produce for almost nothing

4.  nice colleagues - this is something I'm thankful for every day

5.  roast parsnips

Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry

1.  sunshine on my day off

2.  milk chocolate digestive biscuits

3.  sleeping late and dreaming of mother bear's pizza

4.  six days till husby in London

5.  the local park I just found on my run

So I decided to go for a run on my day off.  I'm still adjusting to the air here so it's hard to keep it going for too long, but I indulged my need for green space and headed over the motorway (only using the crosswalks, I promise) to the big green hill that was calling my name.  Well it turns out this is prime real estate for ducks and geese.  BIG geese.  They were flapping and splashing around in a large pond that just happened to have a path looped around it.  So I did a few loops around the park before I went back to the pond.  I find ducks very sweet.  The little ones, the mallards with their beautiful feathers.  Geese, less charming.  The big ones that migrate through Boston, leaving lots of goose poop all over the Common, are very beautiful but I prefer them from a distance.  Up close, they just look big.  So I'm doing my lap and, just like a recess monitor on the playground, one of the ducks starts quacking and, because I'm still quite tired, I'd swear I hear that duck saying, "Don't you see the enormous human all in black coming this way?  Priscilla, get the hell out of the path!  Florence, take your beak out of your wing and get moving!"  The geese are more calm.  They stride out of my way, well in advance of my footfall, and calmly move back into place when I'm past.  They are not threatened by me, and they know that they have the ultimate weapon:  goose poop.  The last thing one wants embedded in the bottom of their trail runners.  Eww.

There's a street market on the high street.  I'm seriously considering packing up my laptop and camping out at the starbucks to work on my dissertation.  As husby says, I'm inclined to just sit here in my shell when left alone.  And a day off is the perfect time to get OUT into the sunshine and among people, not stay in and wish I were at home.  Right.  Must get on that.

And maybe, just maybe, I'll do an early-morning run tomorrow and see if the ducks are awake.  

Shiksa in metric, Gratitude in grams

Made it to London in one piece.  Bumpy flight, less-than-amazing movies, but I made it through Twilight in one sitting.  I know, giving into my need for teen fiction is probably a contributing factor to the length of time it will take me to adjust from jet-lag, but I like it anyway.

I have always, and continue to rely on the kindness of strangers.  I stayed the night at my friend Chris' parents' home in London.  They are lovely people, pressing a mug of tea into my hand as soon as I got through the door, schlepping my enormous suitcase up the stairs to the top room where I slept last night, offering many varieties of marmalade (my favorite!) and producing the most valued travel appliance: the hair dryer.  

Today we travel to the flat where I'll be staying through New Year.  I still get nervous riding on the wrong side of the car and driving on the wrong side of the street (look right look right look right!) but rehearsals start tomorrow so there's no time for actual fretting.  Both feet, straight in, let's go!

1.  marmalade makes everything better

2.  warm beds

3.  Ambien

4.  the migration of the power shower from Germany to Britain

5.  new colleagues, old show

Gratitude, Day 15

1. My shoulder hurts less today.
2. My dissertation session went well.
3. I got to hang out and speak some German.
4. Beef teriyaki for dinner tonight!
5. One quick run with the husby and the pup chases the crazy away. And boy do I need it.

Audition number two of three (this week) is tomorrow. Husby has taken the day off work so we can work on laundry and packing and the general tending of the crazy whirlwind that's about to transpire. And I'm not ready to go to London. Not physically, not emotionally, not musically. Not not not. I need more time to deal with the separation. I need to figure out how I feel about this. I need to get to the point where I can be excited and share in the joy of this experience and not just wish I were sitting at home in my house doing nothing rather than being anywhere else. I need a kick in the ass of my soul, as it were.

I am so grateful for the opportunities afforded me. I know that this does not come along every day. The economy is in the toilet and I have a job in the arts that I'm keeping. And I get to do what I love. No argument. But the thought of packing that suitcase makes my stomach sink in a big way that tells me it will be harder on me this time. I'll miss my tiffany box-blue kitchen and my warm red dining room that housed our first Thanksgiving. I'll even miss the chirping of the smoke alarm batteries and the distant clanging of the commuter train. This is home now, really home. And I don't think it had truly sunk in until I had to leave it for work.

So pray hard kids. Because all the running in the Boston Marathon is not going to make this go away. Saturday morning, I'm on a plane to London and I'm not coming back until March.
And They Might Be Giants is going to carry me through the next four minutes. Everything after that is up for grabs.

Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch
Who watches over you
Make a little birdhouse in your soul
Not to put too fine a point on it
Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet
Make a little birdhouse in your soul

Gratitude, Day 14

My friends Mary, Laura, and Margaret think I'm bonkers for going running in the cold. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't necessarily agree with them. Running in the cold can be really nice, if you've got the right clothes on and the wind isn't too bad.

This was not that day. Right now is the warmest it's been all day and it's 19 degrees outside, and the weather channel says that the wind chill makes it feel like 7. And I decided to go for a run. It's kind of sunny, the route I took doesn't have too many hills, I should be fine, right? Suuuuuure. Keep telling yourself that. About halfway through, I was sure that I was going to expire right there on the road, but thankfully I kept telling myself that the house would feel sooooo warm when I got home and no, you're not really as chilly as you think you are, it's the wind biting through that top layer you've got on (note to self: must MUST purchase a good running jacket) but you'll warm up. And I did, thankfully. And once I rounded that last corner and was able to see my house, it was just painful push to the end.

Running in the cold is for crazy people. But at least I'm crazy and burning calories, right?

1. The microwave repair guy was on time and now the microwave is fixed
2. My gloves were not lost and did not blow away while lying on the lawn all night
3. I have an audition tomorrow for the opera company in my hometown
4. I'm one more edit session closer to finishing my dissertation
5. My voice teacher is coming to dinner. Hooray!

Gratitude, every day

1.  my sweet husband, who lets me camp out on the sofa to work on my dissertation and brings me food and tea and lets me sleep with two pillows and always tells me to take every audition

2.  my family, even though they drive me crazy

3.  my job, because I have one and others don't

4.  my house, because we finally have a place to call our own

5.  my church community, who is always sad to see me go and happy when I return

Yesterday was a roller-coaster day.  We got up early and ran a 5K in some pretty cold weather and had a blast.  If I can figure out how to get the pictures off my phone, I'll be sure to post a few here, it was hilarious.  Showered and grabbed a quick bite before I had to go up to church to sing a funeral.  This is pretty typical for my church job - weddings and funerals and memorials and such.  I've been doing it for a while so usually I'm able to keep my cool and do my job, but yesterday was the hardest I've ever had to fight to keep my head above water.  There was a memorial service for a young man, only 20 years old, who had died of leukemia.  His younger sister helps out with the chorister program and takes voice lessons with me.  Everyone who read was young.  Most of the people in the congregation were young.  So many young, grieving people, trying to support this family in what must be an incredible tragedy for them, and the clergy and choir are gathered to help make this service beautiful and uplifting, comforting even, for them.  Because we're supposed to celebrate, to rejoice in the life that was led and that the suffering of this child is over and that he is with his King.  But even now, a whole day later, I still can't get the choked feeling out of my throat.  I can't stop hearing his father's voice, cracking and shaking as he delivered a eulogy for his own son, hearing the sniffles of the congregants, feeling my own face flush and feeling my breath skip when I'm trying to keep it together (come on now, keep it together, you're a professional, you're here to help them celebrate and grieve but it's about THEM).  It's just so hard sometimes.  I don't know how the clergy do it.  How do you suspend your own reaction to such sadness, how do you not cry with someone when they're hurting?  I just don't know.

So I called my mom to talk to her.  I'll probably call my brother later today - he's twenty and I can't imagine my life without his three-word text messages and his silly sweet disposition.  

Go hug someone you love.  Hell, hug anyone who's near.  Because there's a family grieving for the loss of their son and no doubt many more people grieving in silence without a church family to hold them up.  That's my two cents for the day.

Gratitude, Day 12

1. new pictures of my nephew, up on his dad's facebook page
2. the mild weather that let me run longer today (2.5 miles of sheer torture/incredible fun)
3. the arrival of my new MacBook!
4. hot tea
5. friends from far away who help me find a place to live

Some people call it luck. You happen to get through the doors of the train just before they shut and you make that connection that lets you get home on time instead of being stuck on a platform somewhere. Someone calls you out of the blue because you happen to fit the bill for this emergency gig and they just know you'll be perfect for it, and you happen to be available. The perfect pair of shoes on the clearance rack, oh yes they're marked down double, and they are in your size and make your feet look small.

Well whatever it is, luck has delivered on my doorstep once more. This happened to me last year. I was standing in my friend's kitchen talking about how I had nowhere to live in Seattle and I was really starting to panic. She picks up the phone and suddenly, I'm going to live with her aunt and uncle. Well I sent out a bunch of emails and facebook messages trying to find a place to live in London. A bunch. I waded through the scary craiglist postings (No, it is NOT okay to trade "personal services" for rent, and you don't have to say "if you know what I mean" because we all know WHAT YOU MEAN and I think you should ask yourself whether or not your grandma would be okay with that.) and even started looking at housing placement services. I'm leaving in nine days. Yesterday, out of the blue, an old singer friend says, "Oh, we have a room here in the house I'm living in. Would you like to know more about it?"

Relief. Sweet relief.

AND. In just a few hours, I'll be gently caressing the beautiful white plastic exterior of my MacBook, yet to be named but I'm leaning toward Thais. I've never been a technophile (see my serious attachment to paper products and office supplies) but the prospect of this new machine fills me with such joy. I can actually unplug my laptop. For more than five minutes. Say it ain't so!

I hope everyone is having a great day like I am. I think this running thing makes me unnaturally perky.

Gratitude, Day 11

1-5: The healthy birth of my new nephew, Mason Jude Catallo. Born yesterday at 6:10pm CST, 8lbs 9oz with big hands and feet (according to his dad).

I think that's plenty to be grateful for. Happy prayers for mom and dad and baby, who are all doing just fine.